Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so