I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you