@indigo_raven_

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

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@NikiWithIssues

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

@batkaren

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

@whimsik_l

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

@neiltyson

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

@itsBABYSMITH

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

@Rollinintheseat

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

@seancehat

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

@grayskies365

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

@jordan_stratton

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

@ThisOneSayz

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.