Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.


I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here


A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.


Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”


mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.


The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.


me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what


I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.


SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?


8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.