Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
when mom throws a party…
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
How wrong was this guy?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.