I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
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[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”