I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
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Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
what kind of cook setting is this??
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?