“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
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babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Watson was Holmes schooled
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.