WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.