bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

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I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.


When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.


How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
– tie with ribbon


never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing


[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]



Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.


Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually


I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*