bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
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Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
2022: I can fix it
Me too
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.