I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
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When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
– tie with ribbon
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
this is the best day of my life
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
*opens another beer*