Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”