No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
You Might Also Like
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.