I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
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9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
just got my engagement photos
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?