It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
You Might Also Like
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Human are so complicated
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.