Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
buys donuts instead
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.