My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!