purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
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FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
New Tinder profile.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.