I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
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Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
“what that mouth do?” complain
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.