“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
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What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..