“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
who will stop them
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Sharon I have some bad news
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS