Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

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Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when


I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.


My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.


I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.


*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*


Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.


I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.


I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.


Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.


Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.