@living_marble

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

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@carlawh

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

@Donna_McCoy

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

@momjeansplease

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

@Spaced_Cowboy00

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

@SortaBad

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

@jennifermerr

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

@GrahamKritzer

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

@valerie_tosi

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

@PinkCamoTO

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

@LuvPug

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope