When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope