@living_marble

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

@mysightsarelow

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

@BlondeCalamity

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

@Darlainky

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

@smiles_and_nods

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

@cdpeck

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

@RandomAntics

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

@weinerdog4life

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

@sixfootcandy

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.