Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!