My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
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dutch is not a serious language
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
#CatsOnTwitter
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me: