If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
You Might Also Like
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had