TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”