wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
If only
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!