Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
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Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
dam girl
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.