If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’ll be mad as hell!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?