#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I enjoy a good short stor
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it