I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
You Might Also Like
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans