“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
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Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
good for her