Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
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My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can鈥檛 find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
馃幍 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…馃幍-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?