Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.