“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
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If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.