Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
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Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.