Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”