[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
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It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”