One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
channeling her this year
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.