15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My inexpensive home security system…
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
“you recording!?”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention