Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
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Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!