Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Blew out my flip flop…
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.