Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.