I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.