I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
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My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up