@mjkspeaks
@MorganJ7 I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
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@MorganJ7 
@iAmDelFreaky *sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
@murrman5 [interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
@Goofpoops I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
@ThisOneSayz 6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
@batkaren How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
@kiralc I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
@konnectii When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
@Sanbel11 My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
@marinhubka I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot