I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

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I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.


*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.


[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes


I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.


6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one


How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?


I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards


When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?


My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”


I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo


Ah shoot