At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
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The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures