Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
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a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Oh. My. God.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere