Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
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Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.