If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
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*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.