Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
a god among men
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.