Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE