Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
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Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening