My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
😎 🍻
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.