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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
i did the math
the answer was staring at me all along
one last job
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.