@smoney12

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

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@ArfMeasures

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

@Bbrrysurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@huntigula

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

@HaramiParindey

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

@SCbchbum

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

@XplodingUnicorn

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

@AmishSuperModel

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

@Just__J0

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

@KingRainhead

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

@Bownuggets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”