What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!